The Headlines of Heorot

[EDIT: updated to incorporate suggestions from Afternoon and Silas over on Hypothetical.]

I was talking to my Swiss German flatmate the other day, and mentioned Beowulf, and discovered that he'd never heard of it. So I sent him links to the Wikipedia article and a translation. But on the train to the mountains yesterday, he said that the translation (which was in 1920s English) was still too hard, and that he needed either a German translation or "the Sun-reader's version". Which naturally led us to wonder how the headline-writers at the Sun would have covered the events of Beowulf...

( Contains spoilers, if you don't know the story already... )

It's surprisingly hard, this (though in retrospect it seems rather too close to a GCSE English exercise - I'll be posting angsty poetry next). Please suggest better headlines in the comments, and I'll take the best ones...

[BTW, michiexile, is Beowulf well-known in Scandinavia? It's set in Denmark, and a lot of the scholars who worked on it seem to have been Danish, but is it known to the average (Swede|Norwegian|Dane)-in-the-street?]

[English-student types: it's probably time I read a more adult edition than Robert Nye's, excellent though that was - suggestions? Is the Project Gutenberg one I linked to above any good?]

Going to Edinburgh!

For the fourth year running, I will be appearing in Two Shades of Blue's Edinburgh Fringe Show. This year we're doing a serious piece about Man's fundamental loneliness and the emptiness of an uncaring Universe called Paradox: Set Phasers to Pun. The character is apparently 'your typical Manly "oh look it's an alien, I shall have to remove my shirt, have a fist fight with it and then sleep with its surprisingly beautiful wife" brand of starship captain', so I'm not being typecast in any way whatsoever. Oh no.

We'll be in Edinburgh from the 21st - 26th August, and there'll be a production in Cambridge a day or two before that. G'wan, you know you wanna.

Right, if I'm going to be taking my shirt off on-stage, I'd better go and become buff and ripped. Unless they're thinking Captain Kirk in his later years. /me -> gym.