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Last night I was re-watching The IT Crowd S3E4. It was one of my favourite episodes, and I still think it's beautifully constructed, but I found it a bit... squirmier this time round. For those who haven't seen it, one of the main characters meets a woman, invites her to dinner, then asks her to go to bed with him. She tells him that she's trans ("I used to be a man - I wish there were an easy way to say that, but believe me, there isn't.") and he says "I don't care. Takes all sorts to make a world." Cue romantic courtship montage: they get drunk, eat pizza and watch the darts, she beats him at arm-wrestling, she astonishes him with her prowess in bed and detailed understanding of the male anatomy, she teaches him to shoot pool, she beats him in a lager-drinking contest, they go to the football together, and so on. Then one night they're in bed together, tell each other that they love each other for the first time, and he says "And to think you were worried about telling me you were from Iran!" Turns out he misheard, they break up, they get into a fist-fight in a chemistry lab, throw each other through walls and into racks of glassware, and end up destroying the Internet and causing the collapse of society... but that's another story.
A beautiful relationship ruined by transphobia and prejudice. How sad.
Thing is, though, she was really apologetic when she first told him, and was worried that he'd feel deceived. Half-way through their first date, remember. It seems to me that, while she's probably sensible to worry about a potential adverse reaction, (a) she has no need to apologise for having done something difficult, expensive and brave, (b) she could hardly have told him much earlier.
And then I log on this morning, check my friends page, and discover that one of those godawful LJ Writer's Block suggestions recently was
[You can't see the question any more: they wimped out and changed it to one about partners who'd committed serious crimes in the past.]
Anyway, there are a couple of transfolk who read this blog, and plenty of people who are more clued-up about trans culture and trans rights than me, so I'd like to ask: at what stage (if ever) do you tell potential romantic or sexual partners about your trans status? What do you say, and what kind of reactions have you had? If you weren't to tell them (and I guess I'm directing this at the postops) would they be able to tell? Please feel free to comment anonymously if you'd rather.
For the record: if I discovered that someone I was sleeping with was trans, it would probably freak me out a little bit, but that would be my problem, not hers, and I'd work to get past it. I'd really like to have kids some day, which could be an issue.
A beautiful relationship ruined by transphobia and prejudice. How sad.
Thing is, though, she was really apologetic when she first told him, and was worried that he'd feel deceived. Half-way through their first date, remember. It seems to me that, while she's probably sensible to worry about a potential adverse reaction, (a) she has no need to apologise for having done something difficult, expensive and brave, (b) she could hardly have told him much earlier.
And then I log on this morning, check my friends page, and discover that one of those godawful LJ Writer's Block suggestions recently was
Regardless of your sexual identity/orientation, would you be upset if a long-term romantic partner neglected to tell you that s/he'd had a sex change operation before you met, and why?Funny how these coincidences happen.
[You can't see the question any more: they wimped out and changed it to one about partners who'd committed serious crimes in the past.]
Anyway, there are a couple of transfolk who read this blog, and plenty of people who are more clued-up about trans culture and trans rights than me, so I'd like to ask: at what stage (if ever) do you tell potential romantic or sexual partners about your trans status? What do you say, and what kind of reactions have you had? If you weren't to tell them (and I guess I'm directing this at the postops) would they be able to tell? Please feel free to comment anonymously if you'd rather.
For the record: if I discovered that someone I was sleeping with was trans, it would probably freak me out a little bit, but that would be my problem, not hers, and I'd work to get past it. I'd really like to have kids some day, which could be an issue.
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dude wtf
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* Ally McBeal. I'd stopped watching the series regularly by this point, but I saw the last few minutes of an episode while I was waiting for the following program to start. Basically, a male character had been dating a female character, who then revealed that she was trans. Paraphrasing from memory, he said: "I've given this a lot of thought, and I just can't see you ... as anything other than a woman."
* South Park: Mr Garrison's Fancy New Vagina. One of the male characters had a sex change; meanwhile, other characters had "negroplasty" (to become black) and "dolphinoplasty" (to become a dolphin). The basic message of the episode was that all these operations are purely cosmetic, and don't really change anything about you. As I understand it, the main argument for having a sex change operation is that you're already male/female on the inside, and you want your outside to match; is it disrespectful to compare them to Otherkin?
When I tried out online dating a couple of years ago (via Guardian Soulmates), I don't think they had a box for trans status. However, I would expect anyone in that position to mention it in their (anonymous) profile, before they've arranged to meet people. I wouldn't expect them to advertise it to all their work colleagues etc., so it's more of a grey area as to how soon it should come up. I think that "before you go to bed with them" is reasonable, but that probably depends on someone's attitude to casual sex in general.
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Question 1.3 of that FAQ makes the comparison explicitly, so the Otherkin at least don't mind... it would be very interesting to hear a trans perspective on this. AIUI, there's some evidence that trans people are neurologically more similar to their identified gender than their birth gender; it's hard to see how you'd get a similar result for (say) dragon-kin.
[I must say, though, I get a strong WTFWTFWTF reaction to that FAQ.]
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That comparison usually goes the other way around - trying to legitimise otherkin experiences by comparing them to trans experiences. I for one wouldn't do it the other way around, for reasons that I hope are pretty obvious.
Also, that FAQ is a bit no. 'Transgendered people feel they were born into a body of the wrong gender' is a huge oversimplification/overgeneralisation of what being trans means, to the point of being harmful.
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Fortunately, not only does my wife "get it", *she* pursued *me*, even after finding out, because to her, it was the person inside the outer wrapping that mattered.
I fathered one child. She's 25 now, I'm very glad she's doing well, and she was a surprise (at least to me - I have, and always have had, suspicions about her mom planning on it, but anyway...), but - no more kids for me. Fortunately, my wife's on board with that, too. Our kids have four feet, fur, and either meow or bark.
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To answer your question, my daughter took my transition the worst. She didn't speak to me for two years, and has let it generally be known that her dad is dead. However, we are friends, even though I remind her occasionally that she is still my spawn. She's not quite sure what to call me, except my name and to refer to me as a friend, at least around others.
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Ow - hurtful! I'm glad you're friends again now, though.
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"I'm trans"
"Oh thank god, I was starting to think I might be bi!"
I don't think I'll get a response that awesome again as long as I live! :)
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Win :-)
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I think that bit from the IT Crowd is pretty despicable. It's easy to make a cheap joke using a trans woman as the butt of it, and the more they continue, the more they perpetuate discrimination against trans women. It essentially implies that there's something wrong with being trans (or why would the man freak out about it) and that trans people are obliged to disclose their history (and if they don't, well he has the right to freak out about it).
As a trans man, who is gay, I find that I do feel apologetic about my body often, especially in situations where I'm flirting with a cis man who is also gay and realise suddenly that the kind of cock he likes isn't the kind of cock I have. I have a level of internalised transphobia that makes me feel like I am deceiving people in pretending to have a body I don't have, when in actuality I am not deceiving anyone - I am a man and there is nothing wrong with stating that in any situation. As a woman who was post lower surgery I believe she had no obligation whatsoever to tell him and was very brave in doing so.
I've never really been in a position to tell a romantic/sexual partner about my trans status, since in all the relationships I've had since I came out, my partner was aware before we got into a relationship. I'm aware that at the moment I don't have a lot of choice, since although strangers tend to see me as male, I still have breasts and a vagina (although that terminology sickens me, and I prefer to refer to them as my chest and fronthole). I would prefer not to have to disclose and when I have had lower surgery that may or may not be an option.
I see nothing deceitful in not disclosing a trans history, because often it isn't especially relevant to the person in the present. There is the child issue, but plenty of people are infertile for numerous reasons and that can be disclosed without mentioning anything trans related.
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