(no subject)

[pozorvlak]

I'd like to wish belated Happy Birthdays to stronae, adqam, and michiexile - I would have posted something on the actual days, but I haven't got to a computer for the last couple of days. Hope you all had a good one, guys.

I'd also like to post the text of the eBay auction I mentioned the other day, because it's likely to evaporate soon and I'd like to cherish it for years to come:

My family of Pirates -- we prefer to be called Buccaneer-Americans -- was killed by Ninjas. I need money for Kung-Fu lessons.

I'm not really comfortable about getting into specifics that might help the rest of the ninjas find and dispose of me, but this July our annual family reunion barbecue was attacked by no less than a hellswarm of ninjas madly bent on wiping us out. I'm talking about a metric A**LOAD of ninjas. We fought bravely from the tree lined field with tables of food and burned DVDs to the lake and the rental ship. (We only rent ships occasionally, for nostalgic purposes. We have an ancestral War Galleon docked in Scotland, however.)

I wasn't very well armed, but I had both a brace of flintlock pistols in my belt, one of which being passed down to me from Roger's Rangers by way of the West Indies, and the hunting crossbow that is listed. My uncle Georgie (a formidable swordsman) had brought it to both give to me (I think he got it yardsale plundering) and see whether it was a good weapon, and it was laying on one of the hewn benches right in front of me, where I was examining it. There were also several muskets and cannon brought into the fray from the ship. After the first few moments of chaos, I had fired both pistols and was scrambling for high ground with the crossbow and it's quiver of bolts. Others of us had cutlasses, daggers, dirks, hotchkiss guns, m79 grenade launchers, etc.


And so unfolded the most epic battle ever seen by mankind in the last twenty years.

At first, the amount of ninjas to my family was fairly even, and we made a valiant stand. Curiously, the more ninjas that fell, the more dangerous the remaining ones became.

The thick residue of blackpowder hung in the air mingling with the white puffs from their infernal smokebombs, and vital bodily fluids ran like water. I was struck several times in the chest by their little cheating throwing stars but managed to get off my first and only shot of the battle, straight into the head of one of the ninjas leading the attack. Reloading would have been very quick because of the Rhino-Crank cocking device (included) however I encountered another ninja raider immediately afterwards and attacked him with the crossbow in melee combat. After that, everything got fuzzy and red and the next thing I remember is standing on the deck of the ship, blood running red under my feet with Ninjitsu piled high at my feet and a cavalry saber in my hand, the one remaining ninja master staring me down. "We will return for you another time," he said with contempt as if I wasn't worth wasting his effort on. Then with a puff of smoke he was gone.

With my heartbeat hammering in my ears, I discovered that every single member of my family had died fighting the ninjas.

:(

The ship erupted in flame and I dove to safety, fire licking at my singed clothes. I swam underwater with my knife between me teeth for a good distance, and then crept through the woods to safety.

I must avenge my family and hoist the Jolly Roger over the defeated lands of my enemy. I must change my ways and learn the way the ninja fight and challenge them on their own ground. And then, I will shove the barrel of my handcannon down the throat of the ninja master and send him to davey jones locker. I have learned one secret of the ninjitsu already - less is more. One ninja is going to stomp a fathom-deep mudhole in your back regardless of how many scurvy dogs you have waving cutlasses, while a few hundred of them will be easy pickings. I need to do this alone in order to have a chance at survival.

To discover and exploit their secrets against them I must embark on a journey of exhausting training and brutal combat practice. I need Kung-Fu lessons. Kung-Fu lessons are expensive and with my family's booty and loot -- OUR PRECIOUS LOOT -- being stolen by the damn ninjas, I need to sell my posessions to fund this.

Thus, this auction.

Details: This auction is for one Barnett Rhino Recurve hunting crossbow, inherited. This particular recurved model is rare. You can't find any information on them online, because they don't make them anymore. It's English made, just like 90% of all Pirates. Standard trigger safety device built in. It comes with a Rhino Crank cocking device for fast reloading, and several bolts and broadheads. It is made out of some kind of advanced polymer material but I wouldn't trust it to fully block a good cutlass blow. The butt of the stock is metal and sturdy. I would estimate the value of the cocking device addon at $100 and the bow itself new would have cost you around $250. I don't really think this is a good combat crossbow. Some of the ninjas had little hand crossbows and they were totally sweeter. Maybe I'll end up getting one of those. Anyway, I need to sell this.

Also including a quiver, and some bolts, and some broadhead thingies. The bolts have these plastic 'fletchings' which are cracking off some/most of the bolts, but someone might want them, so I'm including them. Nyah. Here are the specs from Barnett's website back when they still had it on their page:

The Rhino Recurve is the ultimate in recurve crossbows, sporting features such as the ambidextrous Monte Carlo stock and ultra-light trigger pull borrowed from the Classic Rhino. Combine with the ease and simplicity of a recurve, you can expect an incredible power of 235 fps. The Rhino Recurve is the ultimate in quality craftsmanship and value you expect from Barnett.


Rhino Recurve Specifications
150-lb Draw Weight
10" Power Stroke
Foot Pounds Energy - 50
Speed - 235 fps
Max Hunting range - 40 yds.
Limb Type - Recurve

Condition: Used to fight a horde of ninja assassins. Fired once. It has gotten dusty but not dirty. The little plastic crosshair scope thing that was mounted to the rail is gone, but it looked really cheap. You can see a thing that looks like part of a scope, but that's a windage adjustment device. Faint residue on the stock where I buttstroked a ninja to the head while reloading. I might be able to finish cleaning it off. There is a tiny bit of rust on the exposed metal parts but it's like a tiny sprinkling. I think their smokebombs are corrosive or something.

The cord is kind of tangled because immediately after hitting him in the head, he reached around and grabbed it away from me then threw it into a tree and did that damn 'ninja Vanish' trick. It wouldn't take long to set it right. I do not know crossbows so I have not done this.

Lethality: Probably high. The last ninja I shot fell over like a heavy man-shaped thing falling over after being shot by a sharp object at 200mph. I'm not sure if he was seriously injured or not. If you encounter a hostile ninja in your house and shoot him with this and he vanishes, you might have to wait and see if any bad smells start coming out of the walls, rafters, 2" crawlspaces, etc. If you want to use this for hunting, like deer hunting, you would probably do very well. I don't think you should shoot bears with it though.



To those who are on the fence about whether they are a pirate or not, searching for "lazytown you are a pirate" and watching the video might help clear away any ambiguity they might have about themselves.

If you think your friends might like this listing, go ahead and click here to send the link to them! They'll like it a lot more than the stupid forwarded junk they usually get.



If you bid and win this, it's a contract, I reserve the right to cancel any suspicious bids, sending me questions is encouraged because I might have forgotten information about the item. Don't even think about bidding on this if you live outside the United States or live in a state that prohibits crossbows.

Never mess with a buccaneer.

Yarrr.




On Aug-24-06 at 09:03:27 PDT, seller added the following information:

Last night, I was awoken from my sleep by a low gutteral muttering that seemed to come from where the crossbow stood in the corner in my room. I got a very creepy vibe from it.

Disturbed, I put it out in the garage. Updates to follow.

On Aug-24-06 at 11:53:03 PDT, seller added the following information:

Click here to ask me questions!

On Aug-26-06 at 23:04:05 PDT, seller added the following information:

I have been keeping the crossbow in the garage. The last time I walked in my hair rose up on the back of my neck, and I heard the mumbling again, sort of like something talking to itself. It was low pitched and sort of raspy. Sort of like what you would imagine an evil Cabbage Patch doll saying if it were wrapped in burlap and placed in a corner behind a chest freezer.

I'm not sure what is going on with this, and like some things I have gotten rid of before, I just want it out of my house, preferably in exchange for enough money for Kung Fu lessons.

I'm pleased to see that he got $108 for the crossbow. That should buy a few Kung-Fu lessons, but probably not enough for him to take on an entire clan of ninjas.

Work today has been depressing. The preliminary stage of my research (which I still haven't managed, after two years) was meant to produce a definition of a "weak T-category" for all algebraic theories T (you don't need to know what any of that means). The correct answer was known in a few special cases: I came up with a definition that gave the right thing in the easiest case, but failed on anything harder. So I was rather confused when I went to Canada this summer, to hear someone announce that they had a definition of weak T-category that sounded suspiciously like the thing I'd tried and thrown away. Currently, I'm going through his paper, trying to find out if a) his definition really is the same as mine, b) if it does actually work in the second-simplest case. He claims it does, but unfortunately offers no proof of this assertion, or even much of an indication of one. It's pretty frustrating. I've told my supervisor I'll know the answer by Friday, as much to motivate myself into doing some fscking work as anything.

Comments

[stronae.livejournal.com]

Much thanks! It was a happy one, indeed. :)

Wow, your struggle with the weak T-category business sounds *very much like* what I'm going through right now, only I have no real reason to doubt my hijacker. I hope you find that he borked himself, or, failing that, that you find a good escape plan.